Chinese Zodiac: Why Your Cat is a Better Life Coach Than These 12 Animals
December 30, 2021Picture this: You’re broke. Your bank account looks like a sad, deflated balloon. Then, one day, you find a crisp $100 bill under your couch. Coincidence? Probably. But what if I told you it was the universe’s way of saying, “Your living room’s energy is garbage”? Enter feng shui, the ancient art of arranging stuff so money flows into your life like a meme goes viral. Here’s how I turned my apartment into a financial disaster zone (and almost fixed it).
The “Work Desk” Experiment (or Why I Now Face a Wall)
Feng shui says your desk should face the door for “commanding energy.” I tried this. Got distracted by every 快递 delivery and ended up watching TikTok for 3 hours. Now I face a wall. Productivity skyrocketed. My boss noticed and gave me a pity raise. Close enough.
Final Verdict: Feng Shui is Just Life with Extra Steps
After months of rearranging furniture, buying overpriced crystals, and accidentally summoning a money dragon (I think it was just a stray cat), I’ve learned one thing: Feng shui works if you’re already doing the basics. Clean your room. Save your receipts. Stop buying avocado toast. But hey, if you want to blame your lack of cash on a misaligned bookshelf? Be my guest.
P.S. If you find a $100 bill under your couch, it’s probably mine. Send it to my PayPal. I’ll even venmo you $5 for “feng shui consulting fees.”
The “Front Door” Fiasco (or Why Your Mailman is Stealing Your Fortune)
First rule of feng shui for broke people: never let your front door face a staircase. It’s like inviting money to take the express elevator straight out of your life. I ignored this, and guess what? My Amazon packages kept getting stolen. Coincidence? Maybe. But when I moved my doormat to block the “staircase vibe,” my neighbor returned my missing The Office DVD box set. Close enough.
The “Fish Tank” Myth (and Why My Goldfish Died a Hero)
Feng shui says fish tanks attract wealth. Cool, I thought. So I bought a $200 tank, named my fish “Jeff Bezos,” and waited for the cash to roll in. Spoiler: Jeff died within a week. Turns out, dead fish symbolize “financial collapse.” Oops. Now I just keep a plastic fish bowl on my desk. It’s cheaper, and the “wealth energy” is… debatable.
The “Clutter” Conspiracy (or Why My Socks Are Ruining My Career)
Clutter blocks wealth energy, feng shui experts warn. Translation: If your room looks like a tornado hit a thrift store, money will avoid you like a vegan at a steakhouse. I tried cleaning my desk. Found three expired coupons and a half-eaten granola bar. Still no raise. But my cat started sitting there, so maybe she’s the one getting rich?
The “Crystal Ball” Scam (and Why My Mom’s Chihuahua is a Better Guru)
You know those crystal grids you’re supposed to place in the “wealth corner”? I bought a $50 amethyst, arranged it with candles, and waited. Nothing happened. Then my mom’s Chihuahua peed on it. The next day, I found $2 in change under my car seat. Conclusion: Dogs have better wealth energy than crystals.
